The other night, Luke and I were able to sneak away from the house and kids and go out for some dessert and talking without interruptions.
I brought my 2016 Dream Sheets that I got off of Jennie Allen's blog to go over with Luke. I filled these out the first week of the new year and I absolutely loved the way they made me look back over my past year. When I did them they prompted me to take inventory of the past year, see what I did that I liked, what I want to continue to do and what I didn't like and want to change in the next year.
I voiced to Luke that I felt like I didn't accomplish a lot this year. Yes I took care of our household and all that comes with raising kids, preparing meals and so forth, but I didn't really accomplish a lot. In fact most times after the kids went to bed I went straight to bed. I did spend half the year pregnant, mostly sick and tired (wow that makes me sound like a JOY), but I really feel like that wasn't an excuse. I should have done more with my time.
While talking to Luke I found myself using the word "intention" a lot. I want to live this year with intention. One thing that really discouraged me was I felt like I lived a lot of 2015 worrying about the dumbest things. And that sort of sickens me to look back and only remember worry. The past year was a year of my children's lives, a year in my marriage, a year of having fun with friends and growing with our church family and doing so many amazing things, yet it looks like there was a cloud of worry over it all because I GAVE so much of my own time to worry. I definitely want to change that going forward.
Throughout the past year Luke mentioned to me many times that he was worried that I never did anything for myself. Most of the time when I was doing something it was for our house or the kids, but I never took the time to actually take care of myself which obviously isn't good. He asked me to try and sit down and write for 30 minutes everyday. He knows that this is a way I process life, by sitting and writing things out and that I enjoy it and he thought it would be good for me to try and do it everyday.
I listened to his encouragement and started trying to write everyday. Most nights after the kids go to bed I sit down and write. Sometimes it is 30 min and sometimes it is five minutes. Sometimes it's a journal of sorts just going through what I did and thought and felt that day, sometimes it's a prayer journal and sometimes it's me writing out what I felt like God was showing me that day.
I love doing this. In the last year I feel like God spoke to me many times, but its all jumbled in my mind somewhere, by sitting and writing it all out it helps it "stick" and I actually process it better.
And as I've mentioned before I'm a sharer by nature. Sometimes when God puts something on my heart I want to share it and recently when I was writing He brought something to my heart that I wanted to share....
The other day we were driving to church and I was sitting at a red light at an intersection. For some reason at this moment Annie started screaming "GO GO GO". I of course dismissed her screaming and waited till the light turned green. If you are a parent you have probably mastered the art of "tuning out". Which maybe I should say if you are a "mother" because I have found that Luke is not able to tune out the kids as well as I am. But they can be going crazy in the back of the car and I can have my tunes playing up front not even paying attention to their antics.
Anyways, we pulled up to another red light at a busy intersection and again she started screaming "GO GO GO". I have no idea why she was so insistent on going that day, but the fact that we were stopped was not fitting into her timeline. And she was very adamant and pushy about it.
Not only is she one and doesn't understand that we can't pull out, but she's also rear facing, she can't even see what's going on out there, yet she wants to GO GO GO. I could see and I knew that there was no way we could go forward into traffic.
And in that moment I felt that gentle "nudge" the one that says "learn from this", "remember this", "you are not too different from your one year old". Right now in life I feel like I'm at a standstill, I can see things way ahead that I want to accomplish but right now there is a red light in front of me, I want to yell GO GO GO at the Lord and in fact have done so many times. But all I hear is "wait". I can't see in front of me and I have no idea what the road looks like, it could be filled with traffic and whizzing cars and the Lord is protecting me by sitting still. Yet I go crazy, I yell at Him to just GO pull out, I don't care what it's like, please for the love just move this car. Yet he remains faithful. He doesn't go just because I tell him to. He knows what is next and He knows what the timeline looks like and He waits for that perfect moment to move forward. Just as I'm protecting my children by not moving into oncoming traffic He is protecting us. Patiently sitting at the red light because it's common sense, when my inner child just wants to go, He waits for the best time.
I thought about that scenario all day, and how pushy I can be. And it's almost laughable. Why do I think I know what is best for me? Why do I try and take charge when I can't even see what's in front of me? Why not simply trust the One who can see it all and knows what is best.
I love when little moments like that happen and I feel that nudge from the Lord. It is definitely our tendency as humans to try and do things our own way and take charge, so I'm thankful for moments like this when the Lord reminds me to stop, wait, and trust. What a good reminder.