5/1/14

A Mindset Change

Annie was born on a Tuesday and I came home that Thursday. Looking back I wish I would have stayed longer. Due to the nature of my emergency c-section my recovery was rough. It would have been wise of me to stay in the hospital as long as they would keep me but I was antsy to get home.

The first few days at home were rough in regards to my recovery but everything else was going well. My inlaws had stayed with Eli while we are in the hospital and my MIL cleaned our house and got Annie's room put together, it was such a relief. Then when we got home my mom stayed with us and helped SO much. I couldn't have done it without her. I had lots of friends visit those first few days and people dropping off meals. I was feeling great and didn't feel any symptoms of PPD that I dealt with after Eli was born. 

Then Tuesday came. One week after Annie was born I revived a call from the doctor who preformed my c-section. He asked how I was feeling and I thought it was super sweet that he was making a  call to check on me. 

After I told him I was doing ok he said "that is so good to hear, I'm calling you because I need to tell you something but I don't want to alarm you".

I don't know about you but if someone says "I don't want to alarm you" the first thing I do is BECOME ALARMED. 

The doctor then went on to explain that they had found a tumor on my colon during my c section and he had sent it off to be checked and while it was benign they needed me to meet with an oncologist to discuss it further.

Honestly, I don't remember him actually saying it was benign during that call, all I heard was the word tumor and I pretty much hit a wall after that.  Tumor and meet with an oncologist were all I heard and I was scared. 

I tried to relay the information to my mom and Luke but I couldn't remember everything the doctor had said. So we called him back and put him on speaker and he explained it all again, and this time we clearly heard the word "benign". But he also stressed that there were still some concerns and the oncologist would talk to me about it. 

My appointment with the oncologist was set for the next Tuesday, two weeks to the day of giving birth. 

The week that occurred between receiving that call and meeting with the oncologist was one of the strangest weeks of my life. I specifically knew that I had a tumor, it was removed and was benign, yet there was still some concern, however I had no idea what the concern was. So for a week I was full of questions. Questions and worry. 

I would go back and forth between feeling complete peace and then times of worried sick. What if something was wrong with me? And all the questions that followed after that. 

It seems almost a bit silly in retrospect, knowing now that I'm ok and not sick,
However for that week I saw life differently. 

Common everyday tasks of life now felt irreplaceable. I cherished every moment. Normally I rush through Eli's bedtime trying to get downstairs to crack open my can of coke and enjoy a show before bed. But for that week I took in every moment. Reading stories at bed, watching my husband play with our son,  Thankful for them, thankful that I was alive and able to experience times like that. Realizing how fleeting life really is.

Every moment felt like a gift rather than another check mark on the tasks of the day.

I was seeing life through different glasses. We aren't promised tomorrow, I know this but don't always live this.

Everyday annoyances didn't seem like a big deal anymore. My sudden onset of hair turning grey didn't seem like a big deal anymore. The daunting thought of trying to lose the baby weight didn't even matter, who cares if I have some extra weight? I'm alive and loving on my babies, that's all I care about. 

Two weeks after giving birth I found myself in another doctors office but this time it was an oncologist. She was very nice and asked me a lot of questions. She answered all my questions I had in the last week when she explained that they were concerned because the tumor had shown cancer "characteristics" so they had to be extra precautionary. Something I was thankful for. 

A week later I had a body scan which came back completely clear. Everything was ok. My life was back to normal. 

But that isn't the case for so many others and because of this situation I am more aware of how life changing one phone call can be. I have spent so many moments the past five weeks praying for people who were in this situation and didn't have such a positive outcome. 

Once we got my "all clear" I knew I probably wouldn't see life through my rose colored glasses anymore, but I told Luke I wanted to hold onto some of it. I don't want to go through life somber because life could end at any moment, but I do want to go through life appreciating everything, not worrying about so many things I can't control. 

In fact this whole situation reaffirms even more how in control God truly is. I was so bummed that I was going to have to have a c-section, however without my c-section the doctor never would have seen the tumor and removed it. Incredible. He is in every detail.

Prior to giving birth I was very adamant that I wouldn't be getting in any of Annie's newborn pictures. My hair was in desperate need of a cut and color, I felt like my grey hairs were out of control, plus I would be rocking that lovely new mom puffiness. There was no way I would let myself be photographed.

My opinion changed completely in the span of a week. Why did I find this earthy things so important? Who cares if my hair has split ends and grey hairs? It means I'm getting older and enjoying life. That extra body weight? It means I carried my baby in my body and was able to gain weight to support her life. 

I decided I wasn't going to let insignificant worries stop me anymore. And so I allowed myself to be photographed the week after I gave birth. It wasn't a big deal, I just simply decided I didn't want to be controlled by small worries of life. There are too many other important things going on. 

Obviously now I'm so thankful that I had a c-section, and also thankful for diligent doctors. It was a crazy time right after Annie was born, but I feel like I learned a lot during that time, and learned to truly appreciate this life.



23 comments:

Lisa Kaloustian said...

I have tears rolling down my cheeks right now. I am so thankful to read that everything is okay. God truly is in every detail. ♥

Shannon Sentences said...

You look beautiful - radiant! And undoubtedly you and your kids will look back and be so grateful that you "sucked it up" and were photographed at such a special time. I wish we all had some of that perspective occasionally. Glad all is well!

Rebecca Stanley said...

I just love you and I cannot get over how beautiful you look with your sweet little family!

Rebecca Jo said...

Oh my gosh... how scary this all had to be. The time when you're supposed to be excited with your new baby (which you are) but to have this standing over your shoulder making you worry & wonder about your future.
So thankful everything was OK... so thankful you needed that C-section exactly when you did, with that doctor who found the tumor.
Perspective is a gift...
Your pictures are beautiful

Lauren said...

Oh girl, I'm in awe about how God is in ALL the details every single moment. My heart is racing thinking of you going through all of that....praise God you received the all clear!

Leslie Sisti said...

Megan, you are glowing in these pics. Seriously, you look beautiful and HAPPY. I wish now that I'd hopped into Caroline's, but for all the reasons you mentioned, I did not. I'm so glad you participated in the pics and so glad you received a great report from the doc!

In This Wonderful Life said...

Oh Megan, I'm so thankful you are okay! He was definitely watching over you and in control! The pictures are beautiful <3

Cory said...

And now I am bawling... Life if so fragile and such a gift.

Love Being A Nonny said...

As I read I couldn't help but think about the fears you have shared with us that you have. Just confirmation to you that He is faithful. And that you CAN do hard things. Praise the sweet name of Jesus for His favor on your life and the lives of your Luke, Eli and Annie.

"B" said...

Cue extra hormones and lots of tears! So happy you are okay! One of my biggest fears is something happening to me. I am sure your entire thought process will change forever. Your girl and my youngest are only a day apart!

Sweet Simplicity said...

I cannot imagine the emotions you felt in that week. Your post is encouraging and reminds me to cherish the little things. The pictures are beautiful. I love that first one of you and Anniston!

Rachel said...

Oh Megan, while I hate that you had to go through all of this stress and several weeks of worry, I am so so glad that God not only gave you a new perspective on life, but that He also held you near at such a scary time. These are beautiful photos. I know you'll treasure them forever!

Jamie Bird said...

Beautiful post Megan! So thankful everything is ok. Praying for your family!

Chelsea said...

What an incredible story. You and your family are so beautiful. I am so happy everything is okay. Thank you for sharing this too - it's always so helpful to receive reminders about how precious life really is.

Brigitte said...

I'm so happy that everything turned out okay for you. It is amazing how things follow a certain direction to lead you where you need to go...the unexpected c-section causing them to find a tumor you wouldn't have found otherwise for example.

Carrie said...

Im glad you're ok. Life is scary we must enjoy the time we have <3

You have a beautiful family and look fantastic! I see no greys :)

Megan said...

You are beautiful, your words are beautiful and I am SO glad to hear that you are okay!!!

Kelly P said...

A beautiful mother and her sweet baby - absolutely incredible pictures of you and your expanded family. I am continually amazed at the way God shows us how he is always in control. So glad that everything is ok and you are healthy.

Kate said...

I'm so glad everything is okay and you're healthy! What a reminder that God is the one in control. Also, you look amazing in the pictures!

The Yarbrough's said...

Girlfriend....I think you look great. I do understand completely where your coming from. I had a tough time after my kiddos...and having your picture taken is not on the top of your list. lol So...I'm totally with 'ya on that one.

I'm sooo glad you are ok. God is sooo good. I'm thankful you did have a c-section. That sounds sooo scary and to just have had a baby too....shew...you've been thru alot. Keep your chin up. :) Your beautiful with baby weight and grey hairs {and you can't even tell!!!!} Rock it girl!!

Lauren said...

So thankful that all is okay and for good doctors and good reports. The Lord truly is in every detail and how sweet He is! My Dad went through a cancer thing a few years ago and the Lord saw us through each step of the way, but you are SO right how one phone call can change it all. I try to remember those days and while I never want to relive them, the emotions and the way I cherished life a bit differently, I never ever want to forget. Annie is gorgeous - just like her Mommy!

Erin said...

Thank you SO much for sharing your story! I love the attitude you had while facing a tough situation. I have to tell you, when I look at Annie's pictures, I only see a beautiful family with smiles on their faces! You have a beautiful heart and your children are lucky to have you as their Mommy!

Sonya said...

Beautiful pictures. God is so good! It's amazing how he works in every little detail even when we can't always see it at the time.