6/3/13

Not My Normal

Fear has always been a apart of my life. And not just any fear but life consuming, can't function because of it type of fear.

And I hate it. And I say I want to change it, but sure enough fear, worry, anxiety, whatever you want to call it comes creeping back into my life.

In fact, so much so that I have made feelings of anxiousness just apart of "my normal". There will be times where I will stop and say "wait, I think I'm supposed to be worried about something but I can't quite remember it" and then I will sit and THINK about what it is that I think I'm supposed to be worried about until I remember it. And then I start WORRYING ABOUT IT.

If that's not as far from "normal" as you can get then I don't know what is.

But I've made it my normal.

Lately fear and anxiety have gotten pretty bad in my life. Sunday after church Eli and I were leaving church to drive an hour and a half away and I was hit with such fear I could barely move.

It was as if fear itself literally paralyzed me mentally. Yes my limbs worked fine and I could look like I was functioning as a normal person, but inside there was a serious and almost debilitating debate going on in my head.

Fear was trying to take over where faith, reasoning and sanity live. Fear was telling me not to drive to Tulsa, there were too many whats ifs. What if I got in a wreck? What if something happened to Luke while we were gone? What if I had a flat tire and my cell phone wasn't working, What if, WHAT IF, WHAT IF.

Mentally paralyzed.

With all that we've had going on lately I have not been spending time in the Word and time talking to the Lord like I need and want to.

In fact, I'll just lay it all out there and admit that I did not open my bible in May. Did not crack the bad boy open once.

And now I'm being consumed with fear and anxiousness.

Coincidence? Nope.

It is so evident that when I don't allow the Lord and the Word and all the fruits of the spirit that come from that to be number one in my life, then things that are not of the Lord slowly start to creep in and become my normal.

Yes, I will probably always struggle with the feelings of fear, and anxiety and worry, but when I actually equip myself and prepare myself I am able to combat them. I am able to see that they are NOT normal and I am able to rid myself of them.

But when I allow myself to become weak spiritually it's easier for those things to come into my mind and take residence. And before long I think they are normal. I believe I'm just a worrier, "this is who I will always be" is the excuse I will say. When really the life that is intended for me is so much MORE than sitting around worrying about everything.

It's a daily battle. Sometimes an hourly battle. But it is one that I am determined to win. I do not want to live a life of fear. I refuse for that to be my normal.


13 comments:

Cory said...

Oddly enough I am comforted by this post. I am a woman of God, and yet I am also a severe anxiety, and at times, depression sufferer. It plagues me. I have had it since I was a teenager, at least. I have done all the phases there seem to be to anxiety and the phase that I am in now is the worst I can imagine. I have had it before to a certain degree but this latest junk seems beyond. :( And yet... through it all, every day, and sometimes minute to minute I can say God is sustaining me. Praise God. And I too find that reading the Bible is a great comfort and don't read it nearly enough. Sometimes I feel very alone with this crud because I never hear any woman in my church say that this sort of thing has ever happened to them, yet I can clearly see that in all of our lives we are all anxious in one way or another, and whether we label it or not. I always think to myself, I can survive anything, even if I cry the whole way, and I can do anything for a little while, even fight a bear, or in this case "anxiety", and so... I DO. Prayers for you.

Allison said...

I have a video from Beth Moore that I am going to make you watch tomorrow. It literally had me on my knees when I watched it.
I get that fear. I battled it after Luke was born. I knew it didn't make sense in my mind, but I couldn't make it go away.
Fear is what the devil wants you to believe is true. And it's simply a lie. All of it.
love you. we'll chat tomorrow.

Wade's World said...

I so needed this today. I've been struggling with major anxiety lately: my job, finances, health of a family member, you name it, and I'll worry myself sick about it. Literally. Thanks for the reminder about what can help with my anxiety.

Kristin B said...

I am a long time reader of your blog, but I've never commented. I loved this post. In the past year I have really struggled with almost paralyzing anxiety. I've always been a worrier, but it's gone up a notch or twenty recently and I'm so frustrated by it. I have also not consistently been in the Word and I know that's a huge part of it. Also, I have 2 little boys and a lot of my fear is about something bad happening to them. It's silly, I know. Thanks for your honesty. Knowing someone else struggles with this helps to not feel so alone.

David and Marci said...

Thanks for the honest post. I can totally relate to all you shared.
I suffer with anxiety and that all consuming fear ... it started in my life after having my second child. I have always been a worrier, but it seemed to take control of my life at that point. I feel the same way you do, if I turn my focus to God ... it helps so much! I have to remind myself a lot that God wants me to "live each day fully" and "cast my cares on Him." It is so encouraging to know there are others that have the same struggle with fear. Thanks for sharing!

Life and Times . . . said...

I've struggled with fear and anxiety for my whole life, but I have finally realized that those two things are not part of God's plan for me. I definitely agree. When I don't get enough time in God's word I become overwhelmed. Thanks for not eing afraid to share.

Rebecca Jo said...

I can relate... I have scripture EVERYWHERE on fear & try to memorize as many as possible...

I just read a quote today that I'm obsessed with "Worrying is like praying for something you don't want"... its about focus. I know its easier said then done... I'm right there with you. But its something to work on & strive for.

Rebecca Jo said...

I can relate... I have scripture EVERYWHERE on fear & try to memorize as many as possible...

I just read a quote today that I'm obsessed with "Worrying is like praying for something you don't want"... its about focus. I know its easier said then done... I'm right there with you. But its something to work on & strive for.

Lindsey said...

Oh Megan, I could have written this exact same post. It truly is an hourly battle sometimes but I love that you say "I refuse for that to be my normal." Me too, I'm refusing starting today! Thanks for this post!

Lauren said...

Oh girl, this is so me! I had some heartburn the other night, convinced myself was having a heart attack and was literally just a few minutes from thinking Nick should rush me to the ER. And honestly if there hadn't been a sleeping baby across the house, I probably would have gone anyway!

I've been making a conscious effort to spend time each morning first thing with the Word and my Jesus Calling devotional...probably not a coincidence that all the recent devotionals have been about resting in God's peace.

Mommy Mandy said...

Hugs lady. This post really spoke to me, as I have a lot of the same problems. I was seriously gripped with fear that Skip and I were going to die when we went to California. I almost taped last videos for the girls in case. I have a lot of stomach issues the past few months as well that the doctors say are from anxiety. I'm just trying to deal with it as much as possible...and some occasional Xanax is helping me too.

Adriana aka AJ said...

You are not alone! I struggle with fear & anxiety too especially when I am not in the word. One bible verse that has helped me a lot is II Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, & of a sound mind."
I memorized and meditate on it before I do something I don't want to do because of fear, it helps-I usually feel empowered to conquer the fear. Maybe it can help you too in times of fear.

Kelly said...

THANK YOU! Each time you write a post about your anxiety issues, I feel so much more "normal" knowing I am not the only one like that. I have lived with anxiety since I was 9 and it is a constant battle. I appreciate your honesty...It really is comforting.