Fear has always been a apart of my life. And not just any fear but life consuming, can't function because of it type of fear.
And I hate it. And I say I want to change it, but sure enough fear, worry, anxiety, whatever you want to call it comes creeping back into my life.
In fact, so much so that I have made feelings of anxiousness just apart of "my normal". There will be times where I will stop and say "wait, I think I'm supposed to be worried about something but I can't quite remember it" and then I will sit and THINK about what it is that I think I'm supposed to be worried about until I remember it. And then I start WORRYING ABOUT IT.
If that's not as far from "normal" as you can get then I don't know what is.
But I've made it my normal.
Lately fear and anxiety have gotten pretty bad in my life. Sunday after church Eli and I were leaving church to drive an hour and a half away and I was hit with such fear I could barely move.
It was as if fear itself literally paralyzed me mentally. Yes my limbs worked fine and I could look like I was functioning as a normal person, but inside there was a serious and almost debilitating debate going on in my head.
Fear was trying to take over where faith, reasoning and sanity live. Fear was telling me not to drive to Tulsa, there were too many whats ifs. What if I got in a wreck? What if something happened to Luke while we were gone? What if I had a flat tire and my cell phone wasn't working, What if, WHAT IF, WHAT IF.
With all that we've had going on lately I have not been spending time in the Word and time talking to the Lord like I need and want to.
In fact, I'll just lay it all out there and admit that I did not open my bible in May. Did not crack the bad boy open once.
And now I'm being consumed with fear and anxiousness.
It is so evident that when I don't allow the Lord and the Word and all the fruits of the spirit that come from that to be number one in my life, then things that are not of the Lord slowly start to creep in and become my normal.
Yes, I will probably always struggle with the feelings of fear, and anxiety and worry, but when I actually equip myself and prepare myself I am able to combat them. I am able to see that they are NOT normal and I am able to rid myself of them.
But when I allow myself to become weak spiritually it's easier for those things to come into my mind and take residence. And before long I think they are normal. I believe I'm just a worrier, "this is who I will always be" is the excuse I will say. When really the life that is intended for me is so much MORE than sitting around worrying about everything.
It's a daily battle. Sometimes an hourly battle. But it is one that I am determined to win. I do not want to live a life of fear. I refuse for that to be my normal.