Every night before I fall asleep I go in and check on Eli one last time.
When I'm in bed, either perusing Pinterest, or watching some very important 90's teen drama on Neflix, or maybe even both at the same time (obviously I'm an ultimate mult-tasker) I wait until I am on the verge of sleep, when my eyelids are almost glued shut and then I go in and get a glance of Eli just one last time for the day.
I readjust his blanket over him knowing that by the time morning comes it will be all disheveled and tossed across his crib again.
I touch his cheek and watch the gentle rise and fall of his breathing chest. Sometimes I get on my knees and pray for him, for his future, for me and Luke in our roles of being his parents.
And sometimes I just stare at him. I just look at him sleeping and then I try and lift myself over his crib rail to kiss his soft cheek while remaining as quiet as possible. Which usually ends in me injuring myself with the sharp edges of the crib.
But always, every night before I go back to my room, turn on my fan and allow myself to get a few hours of sleep, I ask myself, how did I get so lucky?
In that moment nothing else matters, not the crushed Cheerios in my carpet, or the Barney theme song that won't escape my mind because I heard it 20 times that day or even the stain on my new shirt from the food that was thrown on me during dinner during another massive screaming fit because what kind of person wants to eat human food?
No, late at night those things fade away. And instead, in their place is the realization that I am blessed beyond measure.
And in place of the mess ups of the day, tempers lost, to-do lists undone and a house that needs some TLC, there is the hope of a new day.
I then go back to bed, scoot Luke over who has happened to roll himself to my side in the THREE MINUTES I was out of the room and then finally go to sleep for the day. Drifting to sleep as my to-do lists for the next day runs through my head along with contemplations of whether I'm Team Noel or Team Ben in the show Felicity and why I EVEN CARE.
And then sugarplums dance through my head.
Luke often asks me how I'm able to function each day with so little sleep. And most days I don't really know. I definitely hit a wall somewhere around 4:00 or 5:00pm (which is when I'm usually cooking dinner so that can't be safe) but I get through it and keep on trucking till 1:00am. It's probably not healthy at all.
But honestly I look forward to that time at night alone. There are times during the day when I have alone time, but there is something about the quiet alone time at night that clears my mind and allows me to stop, and just thank the Lord for everything. The hard times, the good times, the boring times, the busy times.
It's not always easy to be thankful in the moment, even in the good moments, but during the night, I have time to stop, reflect, and think.....and thank.
And then the morning comes, and the food battles, dirty kitchen floor, and to-do lists resurface again. And I am thankful.