Lately I've been struggling with something that seems so silly to me, yet I STILL STRUGGLE WITH IT.
You see, Eli and Luke have a special bond. I guess maybe because they are both boys? Or maybe because they both have Indian blood in them and I have none? Not sure, but for whatever reason Eli is extremely attached to his dada and could care less about his mama.
Sure I'm there for all the necessities; fixing his food, changing his diapers, all "that" stuff, but when it comes to the person he goes to when he wants to play, or be comforted, or PUSH THE CART IN TARGET he wants Luke.
It's been this way for awhile and honestly in the past it didn't bother me too much. I figured it was good and healthy.
And then for whatever reason I started to become consumed with it. I'm pretty sure (see: CERTAIN) that this was a work of the enemy but I fell prey. I would find myself crying when Eli would choose Luke over me, or when Eli would push me away because he wanted his dad all to himself.
I am not a good mom.
He will never love me.
They don't need me.
He does this because I worked for the first year of his life and now he resents me.
All of the above statements are lies that went through my head. Maybe not constantly, and maybe not all at once, but every so often one of these lies (or another) would creep through my head. And instead of taking that thought captive and trashing it, I would entertain it. I would think on it and think of how bad of a mom I was. How I am such an unlikable person that not even my own son wants me.
Man, the enemy has a hay-day with our thoughts doesn't he?
Also...does anybody under the age of 80 say hay-day? Just me? Ok cool.
I recently consulted Twitter because if the tweeps of the world can't help me THEN NOBODY CAN.
My uber emotional tweet of feeling like the only person in the planet that has dealt with a child who prefers their dad over their mom was met with over 30 responses of fellow women telling me that I am not the only person. They dealt with this also, and responses that it once got them down also and they found a way to get over it, whether it be through realizing how amazing that relationship their child has with their dad was, or just by conquering the lies.
And immediately I felt better. I'm not here trying to tell you everybody needs to get on Twitter or anything like that, I'm here trying to tell you that sharing our lives with others is necessary.
We need authenticity in life, we need people to share their stories, to share their weaknesses to share their triumphs.
I have dealt with all these lies for several weeks now, NEVER once sharing them with anybody other than Luke. And yes Luke has been very supportive and assured me that this was normal, but I honestly felt like the only person in the world who was dealing with this. Luke had to say those things to me, he is my husband. But he hadn't dealt with this, he didn't know how I was feeling inside.
I was too ashamed to tell anyone else. For fear of confirmation that I was a bad mom. For fear of what they would think of me. For fear that they would tell me it was normal only to walk away with thoughts of how weird I am or dysfunctional our small family is already.
The key words.
I was living out of fear. And in one moment when I decided to be authentic I was immediately met with encouragement.
I try and live my life as authentic as possible. I believe there is so much freedom in sharing our lives, sharing our secrets. The enemy wants nothing more than to have us keep our lives a secret, thinking that we are shameful and unworthy, when really it is all a lie.
If we are never authentic, if we never confess our fears, sins, and mistakes we will never know the true freedom that comes from forgiveness, encouragement and just sharing life with others. And that comes at different levels for every person. Am I saying go tweet all your problems to the internets seeking comfort? No. But I am saying to share you life with others, be authentic, allow your mistakes, insecurities, fears and doubts be shown, so that God can use those in your life.
This was a real issue in my life, but it also became an illustration for me. I never want to be so ashamed of something or so fearful of something that I miss out on the Truth and the freedom that comes from being authentic and sharing my life.
And who knows what all can come out of that authenticity. Sometimes God takes our struggles and insecurities and uses them in somebody else's life to help them.
All because we chose to be authentic.