9/19/12

How to Cherish Without Being Obsessed


The other day I saw this on instagram and I instantly took a screen shot of this so I would have it in my phone to look at all the time, I really love it:

                                    

I love this so much and I kow it is so true. I've never for a second had a problem with cherishing every minute I have with Eli. But really it kinda of makes me sad.

I'm not sure if it's because I know how fast my own childhood went by or because I've watched and heard my mom speak of those years with your babies and how they go by in the blink of an eye, but for whatever reason I went into motherhood with a keen understanding to enjoy every single moment.

But lately I have found myself going overboard. Becoming obsessed with making sure that I cherish every single second with Eli. If he is awake I make myself feel guilty for one second spent looking elsewhere thinking "I only have this day, September 17th, 2012 with him, I don't want to waste it".

Typing that out makes me realize just how crazy those thoughts are, but I do have them and feel them. It's hard for me to go on a date night alone with Luke because I think "what would it hurt if Eli came along" Yes I know Luke and I need our time alone but I feel like we get plenty of it when Eli goes to bed.

And there are times when Eli is going C.R.A.Z.Y in front of me. I'm talking full blown toddler fit, hitting me and screaming and I think "I need to cherish this moment because he won't always throw fits"

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "whoa, now I know why she needs those little blue pills, girlfriend has gone crazy'.

Yes, these are probably crazy thoughts, but admitting it is the first step.

So I'm currently trying to find a balance between wanting to be with my child every waking second and taking in every breathe he breaths (creepy) and just being a regular mom who enjoys every moment.

And honestly, maybe I'm like this because I do work 20 hours a week. So when I'm with Eli I want to enjoy every. single. solitary. moment with him. But I have never regretted working. I feel like it gives us both the time we need. I LOVE that he is at a safe, loving place where he has fun, does way more crafts than I ever would and is probably smarter because of his time there.

But maybe this is the trade-off? Because I work 20 hours a week I become oddly wrapped up in cherishing every moment, so much so that I become a little like that creepy mom in the book I'll Love you Forever.

I hearby commit on this day to not climb into my son's room once he is married with children and rock him while he sleeps.

But the book does make me cry like a teenager girl watching Titanic for the first time.

Basically I just need to find balance. I do not want to quit cherishing every moment with Eli, but I DO want to quit feeling guilty when I don't spend every minute with him.

But even typing that makes me feel guilty.

Can anybody relate to these feelings? Does this get easier with the second one? Do I need to up my meds?

I don't want to muddy my cherished memories with my son with feelings of guilt and worrying that I'm spending enough time with him. I just want to be in the present. Is it possible?

11 comments:

Adventures of Three Harts said...

I am the same way! I always justify a date night tag-a-long by thinking in a little over ten years she won't want to be hanging with us. But I am Crazy, with a capital C, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt!
I teach, so I feel like I HAVE to leave her all week- I don't want to be away from her any more than that.
Know you aren't alone in the looney department :)

The Okons said...

I do the same exact thing!

Cindi said...

I hate to tell you it's not any different with the 2nd child... Maybe even worse if you know it's your last! Maddox is our last and I find I have way more creepy crazy mom thoughts knowing this.is.it than I did after Emmi. It's a struggle! This parenting stuff is freakin hard!! ;) At least we're all in it together :)

Mrs. G said...

When Miss G was a newborn, I would feel so guilty for leaving her in her sleeper rocker for even one second if she was awake. I thought as her mommy that I needed to hold her every single minute of her awake time. Now that she's four months old, I'm getting better with leaving her on a blanket to entertain herself when I have to get something done.

Mandy said...

Sadly, I found it to get worse with the second! Life is so much busier with two that I felt like Charlie's life was passing me by sooo much faster than with Emmy.

It's hard, but a balance is important. If only for the fact that once they are grown up, you want to still have other interests/hobbies to pursue!

Jamie said...

I probably shouldn't be commenting because i'm crazy and my husband is beginning to think I need some serious medication. BUT I totally 100% agree with you and I've found that I am this way whether I am working or not. And I'll always say I want a break so I'll sneak away to Target and I feel guilty before my car is out of the driveway!!!!

Shannon said...

You're not nuts, you're a MOM! I was looking back on videos of the girls only ONE year ago and it's like they are totally different people! Yeah, it's sad that time passes so quickly, but I really try to live in the moment because each stage is different and unique. I don't want to be dwelling on how fast time has passed and miss out on the now. It's hard to balance it all and feel completely level, but just know that all you've got is all you can give and that will always be enough :o)

By the way, I always thought that mom was creepy, too.

Abloss said...

First time commenter but a long time follower. :)
I can totally relate. I'm a stay at home mom and have some of those exact same feelings. Crazy as we are it's good to know that we aren't alone!

Abloss said...

First time commenter but a long time follower. :)
I can totally relate. I'm a stay at home mom and have some of those exact same feelings. Crazy as we are it's good to know that we aren't alone!

Brittany said...

Omg I do this ?!? Is this actually weird ?!?! I'm already a weird crazy mom?! I don't even work I'm out of the house 6 hours a week and he's only awake about 3 of those hours and I do the exact same thing. I am pretty positive Im going to be like this ALWAYS and my lifelong wish is that I get along with his future wife cuz I'm totally going to be an annoying mother in law. See am I crazy for already planning for his future marriage ! He's not even 1 yet ! :)

In This Wonderful Life said...

I kind of obsess about the moments also! I don't think it's such a bad thing because they do pass SO QUICKLY. I think it will help us remember them, but I, too, get sad :( You aren't crazy AT ALL.