Well I had plans to do my Menu Monday today but sometimes things don't always go as planned. My baby who is usually chipper and fun in the evenings was nothing but sad and fussy tonight.
Eli goes to the babysitter's house all day on Mondays and Tuesdays. We've been in this routine for eight months now and we have all adjusted well. But today I had a major case of mommy guilt.
Tonight, while holding Eli trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with him I thought about how I wasn't with him between the hours of 8:00 and 5:00 and I had no idea why he was fussy. I felt like if I had been home with him all day I would have known why he was fussy and what was wrong with him.
Most of the time I am perfectly content with our setup, I love my job, I love our babysitter, I love that Eli gets social interaction, I love that I get social interaction, I love that I have projects, and goals, and timelines outside of my normal home routine, but as with anything, there are days filled with doubt, worry and anxiety.
When I have those days I remind myself that I home Wednesday afternoon, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And for that I am thankful.
And I'm almost sure that if I was home with Eli all week I would also have worries, doubts, and anxiety, about our situation. Its just the human nature - at least it's my human nature.
Last year I memorized Romans 12:2 which instructs us to be "transformed by the renewing of your mind". As I was holding Eli tonight, dwelling on the fact that I was failing him because I did not know what was wrong with him I was reminded to renew my mind. Let the lies go, let the doubts go.
I'm still not sure what was wrong with Eli. I'm thinking it was either a tummy ache or teething, but after a lot of cuddling with mom he finally fell asleep.
I'm hoping Eli wakes up feeling better in the morning. It makes me so sad that he can't tell me what is wrong.
I know I will always have doubts and anxiety in life, some of us have it more than others, I am one of those people that has to battle it quite often, but tonight as I was reminded, when I spend time in the word the Lord gently whispers the reminders that I need to hear through His Word. And my mind is renewed.