1/18/12

A Stage

I was afraid it would happen.

I was warned it would happen.

I thought we had avoided it. We got through month six - the month where is supossebly hits its peak.

And then during month nine it started. It was a normal Sunday and I dropped Eli off in the nursery like I always do.

But this Sunday was different, instead of a happy baby playing with his toys oblivious to the fact that I was leaving, I was met with a crying baby, crawling towards me like I was leaving him for all of eternity.
And my heart broke into a million pieces.

Are you ready for a little bit of authenticity? Before I had Eli I was slightly annoyed with the moms that would not "toughen up" their kids by leaving them crying in the room.

I would think "you ARE coming back" "they WILL survive" "just leave them".

This is not the first, nor will it be the last time I've eaten the words that pre-child Megan thought and said.

Oh how that girl kinda gets on my nerves now.

The AUDACITY she had thinking that she, for one second, knew what it was like to be in those shoes

So on that fateful Sunday I scooped up Eli and took him to service with me, vowing that it would be the only time this would happen. Next time I would be tougher. I would not make myself a hypocrite with my former words and I would stand true to them. This was my time!

I was also relieved that he contniued to go to his babysitter's home with ease. I would drop him off and he would smile at the sight of his babysitter, ready for a day of playing with the "big" kids and getting undivided attention.

And then it happened.

One fateful Monday morning as I dropped him off he cried tears that are forever etched on my heart?

Do I sound dramatic? I'M A MOTHER. I AM DRAMATIC.

I might have teared up in the car...but soon after arriving at work I received a text from the babysitter informing me that she had a happy baby on her hands. He was doing his usual bossing the older kids around.

It made me feel better but a piece of my heart still hurt thinking back on the morning tears.

And sadly, this week beginning with Sunday morning at church the tears came again. And I began to reap the consequences of the words I thought before. I did not "toughen up" that Sunday but instead took him into service with me.

What can I say? I'm a hypocrite.

It has been hard for me to leave Eli when he is crying. On Sundays I can scoop him up but Monday through Wednesday I have a timeline to stick to and there is no time to scoop him up and take him with me. It makes me so sad.

I know this is just a stage, and that two seconds after I leave he is just fine (I have proof, I went back once after 30 seconds and he was perfectly fine playing with his friends) but it is so, so hard.

This morning as I left him crying I let my mind wander during my ten minute drive to work, and by the time I arrived in the campus parking lot I pictured him in counseling one day explaining why he has insecurities because his mom would leave him crying.

Maybe I'm the one who needs counseling. Now.

I'm never one to wish away any stage of Eli's life. I even have some issues talking about him growing up, however this is one stage I'm ready to tell goodbye.

Until then I will probably continue to be a hypocrite in the area of pre-child Megan's thoughts and post Megan's thoughts.

I'm fine with it. She had NO idea what she was talking about.

11 comments:

Lauren said...

Phases like this SUCK! They are so hard and my mommy guilt kicks in big time! That said, I try to tell myself that I can either tough it out for a week or so and form good habits, or I can rescue AM and just prolong the phase (or build bad habits where she thinks that the more she cries the sooner I will get her). For a few of these things, as hard as it has been, I have stuck to my guns and within a few days we are through it...there have been a few times that I have come to the rescue though, unable to leave my crying child. It for sure doesnt get any easier and I love this post and following your journey of motherhood!

The Harbert's said...

I just wanted to leave a comment letting you know I LOVE reading your blog :) you seem to say a lot of things that are on my mind! My little girl is 5 months younger than Eli, so it's fun to read what other babies are like and compare.

Oh, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE your canvases that you posted earlier this week. SO CUTE!

Aishlea and Brandon said...

My baby boy just turned 1. (Yes. I'm still in denial about that.) He started doing this sometimes in the last month or so, too. He doesn't want to be left in the church nursery and some days when I leave for work, he cries. It is pitiful! I feel like the worst mom ever. I know he's okay very soon after I leave, but you are right. So hard. Also? I've eaten some words, too! And by some I mean A LOT. ;)

Alex and Jill said...

Amelia went through this late and has been through it a couple of times. She just recently stopped crying when I take her to nursery - it lasted about a month. She had never cried before and started out of the blue. I was always texting as soon as I would leave to see if she had stopped...and she always had. It never gets easier to leave them when they're crying though.
:(

Perfectly Imperfect said...

We went through a very similar phase around the same age. BUT it didn't last long. It was awful and I hated it. My husband is stronger (meaner) than me thought and never let me take her in the service. Then after she turned one, it popped up again, but seriously only lasted about a week or so. It sucks. But it will get better Mama :)

Heather said...

I think this is the hardest part of being a parent. I too thought parents were crazy for not letting them cry it out! My daughter just turned two and she stills cries sometimes when I drop her off. It still feels as painful as the first time it happened. Thankfully, they are just fewer and farther between!
Hope he outgrows it soon! :-(

Stolen by Mullen said...

ahhhh! I HHHHHate when Addy cries when I leave. Steve takes Addy to daycare so I don't have to deal with it. If I did, I would no longer be working! It is a phase, it comes and goes. However, wait until he cries WHILE yelling 'mommy!" (breaks my heart over and over again!)(Oh, and wait until he cries when you leave him with your mother - I think that broke my mom's heart more than mine!)

Allena said...

It doesn't get any easier to leave a crying toddler - I hope Eli's phase ends earlier. Our 2 1/2 year old still cries sometimes during daycare drop-off and it it awful! I hate it too!!

stephanie said...

Leaving a crying baby is the worst! I hope he gets better soon- it's hard to enjoy church (or anything, really) when you have so much dread of what's going to come at drop-off time!

Dianna said...

This post is awesome and made me laugh a little. My little one hasn't entered that phase yet, but I am not looking forward to it. I really hope he skips it! Ha!

Baju Muslim said...

I like your story, ok, i’ll bookmark this site and return here in next few days.