I ended the story by saying "which probably means I'm the worst mother in the world". Luke then asked me why I always referred to myself as the worst mom when in actuality I was a great mother.
I just shrugged his question off at that moment as another one of Luke's "annoying" questions, but it has weighed heavily on my mind and heart since that day.
Becoming a mother this year has been one of the most natural things I have ever done. Yes there were moments at first when I thought "WHAT HAVE WE DONE??" but for the most part becoming a mother was the easiest thing I have ever done.
I try not to let the little things stress me out, I try not to worry too much about if I'm doing the right thing or if Eli is doing what every other baby his age is doing. We are both individuals and our journey as mom and baby is our own, I do not want to compare.
But on that same note I always automatically assume I am a bad mom. It seems so contradictory to the above paragraph but somehow I have meshed the two together. I am confident yet insecure. I have peace yet I worry about how I am as a mom. I doubt myself yet I feel certain that I am doing what is best for my baby.
It seems like there is always one thing at the moment that I use to define whether I am a good mom or bad mom.
I remember the moment I realized that if I didn't get Eli clean nobody else (with the exception of Luke) would do it. I then started having anxiety attacks about getting his belly button clean.
Yes, you read that correctly his belly button. I mean, nobody wants a dirty belly button RIGHT?
I even asked the dr. what the best and most thorough way to clean a baby's belly button was, he thought it was hilarious. Why do dr.'s always think I'm funny? I'm serious.
So to answer to Luke's question, the answer is because I try and measure whether I'm a good mom or bad mom by how clean my child's belly button is.
Well maybe not just his belly button but I measure the good vs. bad mom debate by things that don't really matter. Yes it is important for Eli to have a clean belly button, but if I forget to clean it one day I am not automatically the worst mom ever. I allow the little things to define who I am as a mother instead of the big things that really matter. Such as my love for Eli and the guidance I am giving him.
So I have made it my goal to quit calling myself a bad mom. I have gotten into the habit of doing it a lot and I no longer want to say those words. They are unnecessary and as hard as it is for me to admit this they are not true.
I am a good mom.
Before becoming a mother I never could have imagined how much insecurity can plague a new mom. But I no longer want to let the lies rob me of believing that I am a good mom. Each time I have a "bad mom lie" come into my mind I have vowed to combat it with the truth. I am thankful for a husband that reminded me of this.
Now please excuse me, I'm off to google how to properly clean a belly button. Eli and I come from a long line of the deepest belly buttons ever. Both a blessing and a curse.