For the past couple of months now I have toyed around with the idea of shutting down my blog or just making it private.
When I first started my blog I wanted people to read it, I wanted to be known by other bloggers and wanted to get comments. I remember my first comment from a "stranger" in the blog world made me so excited I was close to jumping up and down yelling "SOMEBODY READS MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!" I couldn't believe it.
Overtime, through the transitions of life, my blog turned into a place where I came to post stories of nonsense from our first days as a married couple. I don't even know what I would write about. Sometimes it was simply stories of us watching American Idol but somehow I made it into a post and people commented on it. Go figure.
My life has transitioned throughout the years and I have continued to blog and continued to tell the stories of our life. And somewhere along the line that same person who was so excited that people read her blog suddenly didn't care at all if anybody read that same blog.
Lately I have lost that desire to write. I feel like my blog has become a double edged sword.
So many people from my real life read my blog. Which at times is great. For example when I am sharing stories of Eli's growth and progress it's awesome that I have a place where I am able to communicate all of this information.
But on the same hand, I also like to come on here and journal about situations in my life or thoughts that are going on in my head, which is hard knowing that so many people in my life read this. I sometimes think, "why do they get to know the inner workings of my mind and I don't get to know theirs?" I make myself vulnerable to them, yet they have the option to stay closed off to me.
It's hard. But as my wise husband reminds me, I make the chioce to open myself up. Which is why I've thought long and hard about why I blog and if I really want to continue.
I've been thinking about it for awhile now and It has even prompted some other posts I've written recently here when I didn't yet have the "guts" to write out these actual words that I'm writing today.
As my life has transitioned I have found it hard for my blog to transition along with my life. I don't want to be stereotyped as a "mom blogger" yet I do want to blog stories about my baby and what he is doing.
I do want to come on my blog and write about boring details from our weekend simply for our own memory but then I think "I don't want people to think that I think they actually care about this". Which sounds SO WEIRD, but it goes through my mind.
I always strive to be an authentic person. I don't want to wear masks in my life. I want to be the same person on here that I am at church, that I am at work, that I am when I'm at home and that I am when with friends. And so far I think I've done a good job, but lately I've started over thinking it and it takes away the authenticity.
Plus, I've always been an open person and I've always found myself getting frustrated because so many times I share all that I am with people only to half a piece of them in return. It's just the price I pay for being such a loud mouth. :-)
I really have no idea if any of this makes sense, but these are thoughts that have been stirring around in my head. I will continue to blog and I will try to stop thinking about it so much.
Basically I'm just saying that I want this blog to be about my life, I don't want to try and come up with posts that I think others want to read just to keep readers, and I also don't want to censor what I say because I think people won't want to read it. I just want to be me and be authentic.