8/16/11

Another One

You should be forewarned, this is another one of those "being a mom is the hardest job on the earth" kind of posts.

But for real, it is the hardest job.

I mean obviously people told me that before I was even pregnant, but I didn't believe them.

I thought they meant it was physically exhausting or something like that. But nothing could have prepared me for the mommy guilt or the constant lies that our feeble mommy brains are pelted with on a daily basis.

And on Monday night I faced a case of mommy guilt.

Last week I was invited to a bible study that occurs every Monday night and from the time that I was invited I planned to go.

And then Monday night came and I started to doubt everything.

All day Monday I had every intention of going to this bible study, I figured out how much time I had to leave work, get Eli, cook dinner, change clothes, and play with Eli before I headed out.

It was all perfected to a science and was ready to be put into action. That was until I picked up Eli and saw his sweet little love-bug face.

I was then thrown in a a fury of questions, doubts and guilt all swirling around in my little brain.

Side note, did you know your brain is the size of your two fists placed together? I have small hands therefore I have a small brain.

Anyways, leaving Eli for a couple of hours that night really wasn't that big of a deal, but in my mind it became The. Biggest. Deal. Ever.

This is where my mind went downhill and I began to question everything in my life. It all started with whether I should go to bible study or not and basically boiled down to what came first, the chicken or the egg?

My mind was clearly out of control.

I kept asking myself...what kind of mom would it make me to leave my child AGAIN after I was gone from him all day long??

But I wanted to go. And then that made me feel guilty that I was actually ok with leaving him.

But then I wasn't ok with leaving him and thought there was no way I could go.

But then I thought "well I do want to go" and so the viscous cycle continued.

Wait, I feel like I've blogged about something similar to this. Oh yeah I have. DE JA FLIPPING VU

My poor mind was spinning and went back and forth as to whether I should go about 2 million times in a 20 minute span.

Eventually I decided that it would be ok for me to go.

And then I got in the car and I had a meltdown.

I tried calling two friends. I wanted them to tell me that I wasn't a bad mom for leaving Eli. I needed affirmation.

But they didn't answer.

So then I called Luke because I wanted affirmation from him.

But he didn't answer.

At this point I was pretty positive the rapture had happened and I had been left behind.

But there weren't cars swerving off the road and planes weren't crashing around me so I thought maybe it was just a fluke thing that all three people I called didn't answer.

And instead of gaining affirmation from other people, I decided to spend that time with God and just release all the thoughts in my mind to him.

I really am trying to do the best mom and wife I can be, while still doing the things in life that I need and want to do.

And like I've said before (204920 times?) I'm trying to balance it all.

Correction: I'm learning to balance it all.

It's not easy and some times I feel like I have it figured out only to have a meltdown and take five steps backwards. But I'm learning.

I promise one day I will quit talking about balance, and guilt and being crazy.

But for now this is the season I'm in. I hope one day I look back and think "wow I was a complete SPAZZ" cause that will mean I came out on the other side of it and learned from it.

And until I figure it all out feel free to tune me out. Even I'm annoyed with myself! But at least I know there are other moms out there that can relate. And that is a good feeling.

16 comments:

Kodi said...

Tonight I was just internally debating whether or not I should sign up for a Wed night Bible study because it goes from 7-8:30 and the boys aren't used to being out that late, so would it be fair to them? And is it selfish of me to not go when I know they need the social exposure? Etc. So, you're not alone. Even as a SAHM I have a really, really hard time with mommy guilt.

Kelly Gibbs said...

I too have the same feelings of guilt. I have a 5 month old son and just started back to work a couple of weeks ago. I feel horrible leaving him after I have been at work all day. I usually avoid evening plans which is not right. Balancing it all is the hardest jon ever. Here's to hoping (and praying!) it'll get easier! Hang in there! :)

Love Being A Nonny said...

I stayed at home with mine but you would not BELIEVE the mommy guilt....oh girl. Children are so forgiving....they are so adaptable. And they love us with God's love....unconditionally.

Maggie said...

I love this! Seriously. I mean, I don't love that you had a meltdown or some serious internal and emotional struggles. I love the honesty. I am not a mom yet (at least to a human) but I cannot even begin to imagine the gazillion emotions you experience in a microscopic window of time.

You are a great, Godly mother. That's what Eli will know and remember. And I'm still learning the whole balance thing despite the not being a mom to a human :)

katina said...

I think mom-guilt is ever present no matter what our situation in life is. I stay home with my three kids (my youngest is only 2 months old) and I feel guilty because I feel like I don't hold my baby as much as I should (because I am busy with my other kids and trying to clean and cook, etc.) and sometimes I cry and think he would get more attention in a day care. So I think it is not balance we need necessarily, because we really are trying our best...but we need understanding and forgiveness for ourselves. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself...I'm hoping that does something for the guilt.

Ashley said...

This happens to me every day. Well, I don't have a meltdown everyday, that's probably just once a week. But the guilt, every day. I refuse to do anything on weeknights. If friends want to get together, I won't go. Because I only see Cooper for about 45 minutes each weeknight and I hate it. I worry about that every day. And pretty much every day I run numbers and scenarios just to see if I could work less or something. That's the main thing I worry about right now. But trust me, I've worried about every single other thing at some point during his 14 months. And I'm sure that will continue on until, well probably forever!

Wendy said...

I've totally been there and know where you are coming from. One thing I always try to remember is that I create most of the guilt myself, and Walker really doesn't care if I'm there or not. I just try to be the best mommie I can be and know that part of that is to ensure I have things I enjoy doing and that my entire life doesn't become my kid, which so often happens in today's society. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect moms, that we stress out and beat ourselves up if we want to do something just for us. Whether it's a bible study, a pedicure, or night out with the girls, it is good for you to do that and you have to teach yourself to let go of the guilt. The more you do it, the easier it gets of course, so hang in there mommie. You're doing a great job and little Eli is lucky to have you!

Lauren said...

As an expectant mom, I really do apprecaite your honesty. I'm trying to prepare myself for the most rewarding yet hardest job of my life when in fact I know that I'll never be fully prepared. It's posts like these that help me realize it's ok to not have everything together all the time and that there will be times when I just want to breakdown. Eli is such a lucky little man!

Jessica said...

I think as a mom we all feel this! It's funny that you posted this because I posted on my blog about "Mommy Guilt" (http://thevillalpandofam.blogspot.com/2010/08/mommy-guilt.html) when my daughter was right around the same age your son is now.

We have to remember as moms that we also have to take care of ourselves or else our household will go crazy.

I'm sure you've heard the sayings... "Happy Wife, Happy Life" and "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." :)

www.thevillalpandofam.blogspot.com

Lauren said...

i totally feel you and i struggle with this guilt all of the time. we are contemplating baby #2 and i wonder if i can love a second child as much as i love my first and i am reminded that love doubles, not divides...you are a fabulous mommy and dont ever question that! you are normal for dealing with these struggles and i appreciate you sharing them so transparently with us! in regards to the bible study stuff, remember too that its important for you to be spiritually filled up for you to be the best wifey and mommy that you can be! little eli is precious and keep up the good work!

Alex and Jill said...

I pretty sure we'll always blog about balance, guilt, and being crazy. As long as we're Mamas. It's amazing what these little human beings can do to the heart and mind. I was the pregnant girl that said, I'll STILL get pedicures every other week and STILL take care of myself and STILL shop for myself. Needless to say, don't look at my toes or crazy eyebrows...they would scare small children. And I haven't bought myself something new in quite some time.

I agree. Being a Mom is hard. You're a wonderful one though. :)

((HUGS))

Jason and Jenny said...

So I want to know. Did you stay or did you go? (sorry for the song lyrics!)

Lucky in Love said...

I feel ya girl. I have Junior League meetings once a month that I have to go to and I feel guilty. ONCE A MONTH! But Natalie gets really upset when I'm not there to put her to bed and she sometimes doesn't even eat. So I know when I'm gone she's going to have a bad night. And I always feel guilty leaving. Therefore I don't.

Allena said...

My son is 2 and I still do that. It's a sign you're a good mommy - that you care THAT much about your baby. BUT we do need time on our own. And I think Dad's need time too with the baby - I know my little guy (Trent) would pick me 95% of the time, so I know the time w/ Dad is very valuable too!

amanda said...

I don't comment often because, well mostly because I'm lazy. I read on my phone and rarely click over to the blog to comment, but just wanted to pop in to say how much I love your blog. You have such a fun, fresh, and honest perspective on life. I really appreciate that. Speaking of finding balance, I took a mini-break from blogging because of my morning sickness-my son is 16 months old and I haven't started back! I clearly havent' found balance yet :) I'm trying to ease back in with twitter and am thinking of at least doing a catch up post so people don't think I'm a weird stalker :0 (I tried to follow you, but you're private-i'm @amdavee ) I crave time away from my son sometimes and then feel horrible about leaving. It just shows how much you love him. It is hard though. Thanks for sharing some of these realities of motherhood. It's nice to know we're not in it alone :)

Bethany said...

I can relate.

And I can say, hey, don't go to the study if its too much for you. There will be another Bible study. This is a short window of intense mothering pressure right now, and it will be different in one year. Totally different.

I hope one day I think I was a nut when I look back and have it all together, too.