I've had several jobs in my life, some were good and some were bad. Some didn't last long and some felt like they would never end.
And now I find myself in a new job. It's by far the dirtiest job I've ever had, no other job in my life has required my getting pooped on and then not showering for at least 24 hours after that.
And it is the most exhausting as I find myself still "working" at 4:00 in the morning when my boss needs to eat or needs a diaper change or perhaps just needs his pacifier put back in his mouth.
But I've encountered something in this job that I've never dealt with before in any other job.
From the moment my sweet Eli was born it has been amazing the amount of insecurity I have felt.
I'm telling you, satan really knows what he is doing with a mom's mind these days.
I find myself constantly sizing myself up to other moms. Am I doing what they are doing? Do I pay attention to my baby as much as they do? Do I work with my baby as much as they do?
And now that I've gone back to work the mind games have gotten worse.
I feel guilty that I enjoy working. In fact there may have been some tears shed about the fact that I actually enjoy working.
I do not like leaving my baby, and I do not like being away from him, however I do enjoy getting out and doing something that I love. I enjoy interacting with other adults and getting some sort of satisfaction out of completing a task at work.
And yet I find myself constantly wondering what other people think and if they are thinking that I'm a bad mom because I choose to work part-time?
Many times at night I will ask Luke "do you think I'm a bad mom"? It's not that I'm asking this question because I think he will say "why yes I was just thinking that" or to get some sort of pity answer such as, "no you are the BEST MOM EVER".
In fact, I don't even know why I ask it, I know that Luke thinks I'm a good mom, he tells me all the time, but still that question is ALWAYS at the forefront of my mind.
Am I a good mom?
Will I raise my son right?
What if he walks or talks or crawls late? Is that my fault?
Do I spend enough time interacting with him?
Is it bad if sometimes he sits and rocks in his swing?
Is it bad if I watch TV while Eli is awake?
And the questions go on and on and on.
And beyond the questions I constantly feel thoughts entering my mind, telling me that I'm not a good mom, that I should be doing more.
Of course, as a girl I've had insecurity throughout my life. But this is different. I can handle insecurity about my clothes or weight, or hair, or even my feet (my feet are U-G-L-Y) but handling insecurity when it comes to my child and the way I'm raising him? That is a whole new ballgame!
So for now I will daily battle the thoughts and know that I'm doing the best I can in my new job.
It's not always easy, and sometimes the thoughts win and other times I win.
And I hope as the days and years go on that I will win more than the thoughts will win. I don't expect the insecurity to go away but I hope and plan to become more secure in my new job.
And even though I've never been this insecure or felt this vulnerable, it is by far the best job I've ever had with the cutest boss ever!