2/8/11

So Many Emotions

There have been several times during pregnancy that I have come on here to share my heart, but ultimately back out for fear of looking ungrateful or like a complainer during this season of my life.

That is the last thing I am or want to look like. I am very grateful that God chose to bless us with this baby and I am so thankful that I have had an easy pregnancy and for the most part I have really enjoyed being pregnant and once this baby comes I will miss feeling his sweet little kicks and movements inside of me.

However, take the crazy ups and downs of hormones, and combine it with all the changes that are taking place during this time and add a person who doesn't do very well with change in general, and it is safe to say that there are moments when this process has been hard.

I am ashamed to admit that one area that has been hard for me during this time is the whole weight gain part of it.

Before I was pregnant I would get so annoyed with women who would complain about gaining weight while pregnant.

I didn't understand it. I mean OF COURSE you are going to gain weight, is what I would think. You have a HUMAN BEING growing inside of you, along with placenta and some other nasty stuff. Weight gain is natural and expected. Get over it (you big baby). Those were my thoughts.

And then I became pregnant.

And I got it.

I won't elaborate on it, because I still feel selfish and so vain discussing it. And, obviously I'm gaining weight for a good reason, but it is still hard to watch your body change and the numbers continue to escalate.

Aside from the emotions of dealing with weight gain there is the added stress of trying to figure out child care, trying to figure out how to balance finances with the new added expenses, plus lack of sleep, various pains and discomforts that come from normal pregnancy and some hormones that are a bit out of whack for the moment and it can be disastrous at times.

There have been moments during this pregnancy that I have completely snapped or burst into tears with no rhyme or reason about it.

And since I'm being honest, I will say that in the past I have always felt like some pregnant women used their hormones as an excuse to act how they want. I still do think that some women do that, BUT now that I have been apart of this pregnancy experience I can honestly say that there are times where I am a victim to my own hormones. Sometimes while sitting still I will feel this sweet baby move and I will just burst into tears. It is so amazing to me that he is moving inside of me. My baby! It just baffles me. Then there are other times that I will burst into tears because Luke doesn't want to eat at the same restaraunt I want to eat at. Fun times.

I don't say all of this to make pregnancy sound unpleasant, because it is far from it. We are so overcome with excitement thinking about our new addition that is on the way. We've had so much fun getting ready for him, in all ways, mentally, physically and spiritually. But, as exciting as it is, it is also an overwhelming time. So many decisions to be made and scenarios to figure out.

I have learned a lot during this time about trusting God, letting go of worries, not letting things consume me, etc. I am still learning, and many times I have to consciously make an effort to shut off my mind and hand it over to God. I can only imagine that I'm about to learn a whole lot more once Eli is here!

So that is the wide range of emotions I'm going through right now. From pure elation, to worry, to fear, to irritated (with my weight) all the way to extreme excitement.
I'm sure its a fun time for Luke, he never knows which of the above emotions he is about to come into contact with. It keeps him on his toes.

I hope that those reading can accurately see my heart and know that I am not ungrateful for this time. And also that this is just one pregnant girl's thoughts at this time. My emotions and feelings do not dictate how pregnancy is for each and every person. Everybody is different.

In fact if I take away one life lesson from this whole process it will probably be just that. Everybody is different. Apparently it took me getting pregnant to figure that out.

34 comments:

Biz Dickmeyer said...

Thank you for being so honest and transparent. I just had my 2nd daughter six weeks ago and I started back to work yesterday. I know and understand completely everything you are going through. The body changes, the childcare questions, the finace situation, the random crying, etc. I have been through that all too. All I can tell you is that when you hold your little guy for the first time and every time after that everything will have been well worth it. Right now and every day after you simply have to trust God. You may trust Him one day but not the next or one hour but not the next or even one minute but not the next. You just have to keep doing back to God and saying, "I trust YOU." I know it is easier said than done but I'll put you on my mind to pray for and hopefully things start shaping up.

Rachel said...

GREAT post. I really understand what you mean about not wanting to act ungrateful, but the weight gain is really hard. I think there are a lot of things in regards to pregnancy that you can't understand until you go through it. I've gotten myself absolutely sick about how I'm going to lose the weight after he's born, which feels especially ridiculous now that I'm reading it. But, hormones are a very real thing and I think we all are allowed to go a little nuts during this time. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Carson and Lindsay said...

I believe that this is my first time commenting. I'm not a mother and have never been pregnant, but thank you so much for sharing your heart. It doesn't sound like complaining at all, and is actually quite refreshing to hear you be so transparent. It would be easy to put on a happy face and say "Everything is awesome and I love it" which might be somewhat true, but then people might miss out on your honesty... and seriously, it's very encouraging. Thanks :)

Chelsi said...

Great post. You're brave for admitting how your thoughts have changed from the past! I, for oone, have always felt you are very real here and never ungrateful for your blessings. Thanks for continuing to be real and someone your readers can relate to instead of acting like you're life is perfect! :)

Jenni said...

I love this post. While I haven't been pregnant before, I really admire you for putting it all out there- I love that you didn't just do the easy thing and really wrote something that you were thinking and feeling. And, I don't think you sound ungrateful, at all! :)

LT said...

Thanks for sharing such an honest post. I too thought that I'd never complain about some of the things I do now that I'm pregnant. The weight gain is HARD. I've always been thin and fit, but I'm pregnant with twins and gained A LOT of weight in my first trimester. It was difficult to think about all those girls that don't show for so long and I was in maternity pants at 8 weeks! And now I have to gain much more weight total than I ever imagined! And I feel so guilty even having these thoughts since we struggled to get pregnant. But I keep praying for God to just keep the babies healthy, and to thank Him for this opportunity- I hope that He will keep my priorities straight :) You're so right that you just don't know until you're there! Thank you again, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

~MinniLinny~ said...

I have to agree...thanks for being so honest! I don't have kids, but it's been an interesting ride watching my best friend go through her pregnancies. At one point, she was reorganizing the pantry (nesting mode) and got upset because she didn't know where to put the blender. And then her husband suggested a place that made total sense and she burst into tears. Total disaster. I think they threw away the blender because she couldn't find the right place for it.

At any rate, hang in there! The baby will be here soon :) ...and don't reogranize the pantry...

-Lauren said...

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. I finally told my doctor some of the anxiety and over-emotional feelings I have been having. He made me feel better by telling me that if I didn't have anxiety and didn't worry, I wouldn't be normal. I often have selfish feelings about getting fat, and sacrificing (lunch meat and wine!). I feel terrible when I have these feelings b/c i know i am so blessed to be pregnant, but they do sneak into my mind. Take comfort in knowing you will be a fantastic mom!

Meg said...

You are so right about all the hormones and emotions that go along with pregnancy! Thanks for sharing...it helps me feel not so different when dealing with all my pregnancy hormones. My husband just got transferred half way across the country from where we currently live and where all our family is. I'm a mess! I'm suppportive, but really emotional about having a baby so far away from home. You are doing a great job and will be an amazing mommy! As soon as baby Eli is in your arms, everything else will fade away and be so totally worth it! Hang in there!

Greta said...

Every pregnancy (even though I know it's coming and I know it came off last time) I struggle with watching the numbers climb. It's hard, no two ways about it.

Also, I don't think we need to apologize when we find parts of pregnancy difficult. So what if we were trying to get pregnant? So what if we KNEW we might be nauseous and gain weight? So what if everyone around us just wishes they were pregnant? That doesn't mean the difficult stuff isn't difficult.
(That makes me sound horrible, I realize, but isn't it kinda true?)

Charla Liedahl said...

You have such a great perspective, Megan. What you're going through is totally different than anything you've ever done before and you are handling it normally and beautifully. I won't lie...your body will most likely not ever look the same again, even if you get down to your pre-pregnancy weight. Yes, it's difficult to deal with, but think of it as a reminder of what your body MIRACULOUSLY did to bring life to your precious little boy. And be glad we get to wear clothes to hide the not so pretty post-pregnancy "reminders!" Belssings to your sweet family!

Mandy said...

I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and have never commented before. I think there's a lot of pregnant women thanking you right now. The weight gain thing is really hard, and it's so frustrating to not be able to do much about it until after the baby's born. When I was pregnant, I got pedicures every month. I figured I could hate the number on the scale, but at least my feet looked pretty! It made me feel better. Also, at the end, I would just stand with my back to the scale so I didn't even have to look at the number. Denial much?

There's nothing harder than having to make decisions while you're basically a hormone casserole. During my last pregnancy, Hurricane Ike hit our house, and we had to move out of our house for 5 months. We moved back in when I was 8 months pregnant, and I had to go shopping for a new mattress. Is there a worse person to pick out a mattress than an 8 month pregnant woman? Is ANY bed comfortable at that point?

Everyone is right when they say that it will all be worth it when you see that baby. Your life, and your priorities will never be the same, and you will be so grateful for that soon!

Miss E said...

I understand exactly what you mean. It's such a joy and blessing, but at the same time there are adjustments and tough decisions to be made. The mix of hormones definitely doesn't help.

I guess what we hope and pray for are healthy children and that we can go back to feeling like 'ourselves' again afterwards - albeit changed versions of our former selves.

Sarah said...

Thanks for sharing! I think anyone who has been pregnant can totally relate to just about everything you talked about. Hormones will do crazy things to you- your body, your mind, your emotions! I definitely am a believer that you can't quite understand it unless you've been there!

Hope your week is going well! Enjoy this last bit of pregnancy as much as you can! That little one will be here soon!

Kindall said...

HI Megan! I am long time reader first time commentor. I had my son 5 months ago and let me just tell you when i was pregnant with him i was a HOT MESS. About everything. Its totally normal and you will probably feel even more like weirdo after you give birth. But the end result is absolutely wonderful! =) I enjoy your blog!

mrs. darling said...

beautiful post! at my last appt my weight went through the roof. (i'm 25 wks now) this is harder than i thought and like you said, i thought women who whined about gaining weight while prego were babies. i also secretly judged women who gained, what i thought was, too much. yeah, i don't do that ANYMORE. this is hard, harder than i dreamed. and add it on top of all the major decisions and changes and hormones...some days i just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head.

you aren't alone and thank you so much for sharing. it's nice to know i'm not alone in feeling like this...

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Girl I can only imagine how terrifying this experience must be. I'm sure that the ups and downs are terrifying.

Thank you so much for sharing! I can't wait for you to meet little Eli1

Happiness Is... said...

You shouldn't feel bad for a second - I actually prefer people who are honest about the reality of emotions (even those of us that are blessed beyond measure with "easy" pregnancies have hormones, too) versus people who act like their life is all perfect. I think pretending things are perfect and being grateful/humbled by God's love for us are 2 different things.

And one can be grateful and emotional at the same time.

Pregancy/parenthood and "easy" shouldn't even really be in the same sentence to begin with. I have written 1-2 similar posts and I always think "well how must this sound to someone struggling with infertility" or "how must this sound to the poor parents who are grieving the loss of their child."

But at the end of the day, each of us lives a different reality and that reality and the emotions that come with it are 100% valid. I am right there with you: "easy" pregnancy but emotions all over the place. That's just part of life, but no need to apologize!

Beth said...

Being pregnant is not easy. The hormones race and it seems like a rollar coaster. I have two boys ages 6 and 4. I think you will find that once you have your baby, that you will forget your pregnancy times. It is so different once the baby comes along and no one can prepare you for all of the emotions you will feel. The love you feel for your baby will be the biggest feeling of love you have ever had. It's crazy. I thought I was ready for our first baby, but holy cow, nothing can prepare you. Totally life changing. For the better for sure. You'll be great!

Becca said...

Girl, that's what I love about you - your ability to be honest (well that's not all i love about you, but it's one of the things . . . ) I hope you'll always feel like you can be honest here on your blog! And I totally feel you on all the pregnancy up and downs. I feel like a crazy person lately. And I'm pretty sure Adam might agree with that assessment.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

Honey, you are completely normal. I never wanted to complain when I was pregnant because of how much we went through to get her, but pregnancy is HARD. The weight gain is hard, the aches and pain are hard, the hormones are a downright B*$%^ (just saying it like it is) and yes, it's all completely worth it, but it's freaking hard.

The good thing is, once you hold that little baby in your arms for the first time, all this? will be a distant memory. Of course then you got to deal with the post-partum hormones, but let's not deal with those today. ;)

You are completely entitled to feel like this. It's normal and it's OKAY. The weight is hard, but it will come off. I still complain about my post baby bod (and probably will forever), but it's not that huge a deal. You will look amazing, and more than that, you'll look like a Mom.

I know you're dealing with a lot. Vent away girl..

"The Mrs." said...

You have a right to share your feelings...it's your blog. We all have different fears and emotions while begin pregnant. You are on the right track with stopping your thoughts and giving them to the Lord. He will take care of EVERYTHING!

Rachel said...

Clearly I have no right to share my feelings on this since I have never dealt with the life change of being pregnant.I have no idea what it's like being in your shoes.

BUT...I am praying for you and sending you big hug. Thanks for your honesty on this blog!

Stolen by Mullen said...

ahhhh! It is super scary! It is such a miracle and you feel so blessed at the same time as being scared out of your mind! I have never cried so much in my life (or threw up for that matter) than when I was pregnant. Try not to let the stress of 'how' things are going to work out bother you. Things will work out. They will. God didn't bless you with little Eli just to give you stress/anxiety/financial burden/unwanted weight gain/the list goes on....Hang in there! Pregnancy is rough! (but well worth it in the end!)

Carrie said...

Hi Megan,

One, you look beautiful so don't worry about the weight gain although I don't think you're being vain at all.

Two, Vent away that's why your blog is so darn popular! I don't have kids and hopefully won't for awhile yet but man they look expensive. Hormones or no hormones occasional waves of terror seem completely normal to me.

annie said...

I'm not a mom yet, and I've never been pregnant, but I can't tell you how much your honesty means to me. Sometimes I feel like moms either tell only the good stuff or only the bad stuff; you've shared your thoughts and feelings and proved that pregnancy and motherhood encompasses so much more. thanks for your transparency!

PinkSass said...

I love your honesty.

Lauren said...

Your honesty definitely means so much. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I can only imagine that all those feelings you have are close to the ones I will be having...or even if they're totally different, I'll know that it's ok to have some fears & some freakout moments!

The Sawyer Family said...

Thanks so much for sharing! I am not pregnant yet... but prayerfully this year! I struggled with an eating disorder through college and I know pregnancy will be tough for me... even though I am excited about it too. It helps to read about your journey... helps me to prepare. Helps me to know that I'm not alone in my thoughts or fears.

Thank you!!

Brown Girl said...

Thank you for your honesty, us non pregnant people appreciate it so much!

~Mrs. Guru~ said...

I get the weight thing. You are a lot further a long then me but I am not sure where I have any more room to add on more weight. I have already gained 18 pounds! I keep thinking how is it possible even when I know it is possible! However, stepping on the scale at the doctor's office is my least favorite thing.

Anonymous said...

I have never commented on your blog before, but I'm jenni. I also live in Oklahoma (Tulsa), graduated from UCO (you work there if I'm correct) and lived in okc. Anyways, thank you for being honest. All totally valid ways to feel! I had my second baby almost a year ago and the weight does come off. It just takes time! Like 8 months, but your body will go back to normal. Everything but your boobs. Sorry just being honest! Also, the one piece of advice I wish a friend would have told me prelabor...USE STOOL SOFTNER for 6 weeks before due date!! And make sure things are moving BEFORE you leave hospital!!

malloryjean said...

THANK YOU - it's like you're reading my mind - at 30 wks this is exactly how I'm feeling too. You are awesome.

Diane said...

hi, I have never commented on your blog before, I live in norman so we are close :)

when I was pregnant I had a really hard time with the weight, I was gaining gain like crazy!. I told my doctor about the hard time I was having with this, and he told me to trow away the scale at home and do a weight blind.
I never knew the total pounds I gained, denial? maybe but it was a blessing at the end.