1/19/10

My Greatest Fear

For as long as I can remember fear has been apart of my life.

Now I understand that most people deal with fear, and live with it to an extent. But for me fear at times becomes a an obsession, and has controlled my life.

I can remember being very young and being afraid that I would be abducted. I watched a Lifetime movie (what can I say I have always been a sucker for those movies) about a young girl who was abducted from her driveway getting the mail.

Fear controlled me.

Years later I can remember being afraid of germs and being afraid to touch anything and everything for the fear of what was on that "thing". The escalator at the mall? Heck no I wasn't touching that thing. A dollar bill that came from a store I deemed gross? I would scrub my hands for much too long after touching it.

Fear controlled me.

Several years later, when I was an age that I will not admit I watched a movie that is pretty much on the top of the list of the creepiest/scariest/corniest movies ever. I slept with my lights on for years (basically till I got married) and still to this day cannot watch even a commercial for a scary movie.

Fear controlled me.

Of course the list could go on and on and I could talk about my many fears, but that would require another couple of hours, and thats just a bit ridiculous. Plus, I know, it is through the freedom of Christ that I can overcome these fears. Do I still struggle with some of them from time to time? Yes. But I know where I can find rest and peace.

However there is one fear that has been plaguing me lately.

The fear of desiring the things of this world and always wanting more.

As I get older this fear becomes more of a reality and it scares me to no end.

Occasionally I will find myself yearning for a brand new big home with all the upgrades.

I will find myself counting my pennies to see how much money I have to spend on clothes this month. And then spending every last penny on a shirt that I will wear for a couple of months and then forget about.

I catch myself becoming jealous of others belongings, wondering if I will ever have what "they" have.

And that scares me.

Is it bad that I want a nice house, and nice clothes? No.

Is it bad that sometimes I desire a life of comfort not wanting to look outside of my box to what the outside world holds? Yes.

I was created for more than comparing myself to others.

I was created for more than having the newest and the greatest and the biggest and the prettiest.

It's not easy to break out of the life of comfort. But I want more than that.

I want a heart that breaks for what breaks His heart.

I want a mind that puts others needs before mine.

So I'm learning and God is teaching me.

I'm not saying that tomorrow when I wake up I will be rid of desire and I will no longer want a new house with granite countertops.

Let's face it granite countertops make me swoon.

But I will wake up and say I was created for more, and I will ask God to use me.

Even if that means selling everything I have.

Because my biggest fear is not losing everything I own.

My biggest fear is missing out on what I could do for others, because I was always concerned about what I did not have.

29 comments:

Nessa said...

RIGHT THERE WITH YA sister! Amen! :)

Trac~ said...

What a beautiful post! Thanks for sharing! :o)

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Girl, you took the words right out of my mouth, literally.

I was going to write a post about fear today but now I just want to say: "What she said" with a link to your blog. That totally counts as a post, right?

Patience said...

I think we all struggle with this. But, if only I had that and not this. I am just thankful to have a job that pays my bills, I am thankful for my wonderful fiance, I am thankful for my friends, family and I am thankful that God pulls me back in whenever I start thinking this way. You have so much to be thankful for and when the time is right for you and your husband, you will have granite countertops that you can swoon over. We have to remember our timing is not always Gods timing which is fine because his plans are always far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

Alex and Jill said...

I think it's a constant battle for we as Christians to focus on what's truly important in this life. The world is full of shiny, new things that catch my eye and I have to remind myself - that's not what this life is about. When I see the coverage from Haiti, it really puts things in perspective. They have nothing - yet they are singing hymns, praising God. WOW. I can't help but be thankful for simple things...like running water and a roof over my head.

Granite makes me swoon as well.

Great post!

petrii said...

Megan,
I have been so consumed with fear at times in my life that it has really been a hindrance to me. But God has been doing a work in my life on this issue and I'm doing so much better on this issue with God's help. I went through a 7-day Lay it Down last year and that was the big thing that God wanted me to lay down. It has been a very liberating thing for me. God is AWESOME!!!

Love you girl,
Dawn

Faith said...

Amen, Megan! Such beautiful words from your heart. I love the the lyrics from "Hosannah" that say "Break my heart for what breaks Your's" That is my prayer too!

USCEmily said...

What a wonderful post, Megan! Thank you for posting it.

Love Being a Nonny said...

I love this honest post. I too struggle with irrational fears. Thank you for reminding me of what I KNOW is true.

Sole Matters said...

I’m a new follower and this was a wonderful post! Also, I love your blog design. Who made it?

Courtney said...

Very very true for me too. I always have to catch myself in the comparison game and then I become upset because honestly who cares if someone has a bigger house than you do or who cares if someone dresses better? Those things aren't what matter. Good job trying to get your head in the right place! I'll work on mine with you!

Lindsey said...

What a beautiful post!

Lauren said...

Wow...thanks for sharing. I definitely needed to hear this.

Tara Gibson said...

what a great post! So honest. I definetly needed to read this! Thank you

A Nerd and A Free Spirit said...

One of the things I have to say to myself constantly is

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

I totally feel you. We are doing a series on fear right now. Fear has always plagued me as well. I had fears of being kidnapped, fears of getting/having diseases, and lots of fears about marriage. I have finally been able to see it for what it is and have found some scriptures that help me "take every thought captive" and bring them to the feet of Christ. It's a constant battle, but I think it is a very common one.

I'm with you!

~Kathryn

Whitney said...

Great, honest post, girlie.

Lindsay said...

What a great post! I don't normally comment, but this is something I've been dealing with lately.

It's so easy to focus on what I DON'T have (husband, house, brand new car, etc) that I'm losing sight of what I have been blessed with (a solid job, amazing family, etc). With everything going on in the world lately, I'm reminded that millions of people would LOVE to be me. God is faithful and knows exactly what to give when...I'm the one who needs reminding of that. :)

Jenny Lynn said...

Such a good post.
I think I started comparing myself to others a lot more when I got married and saw what my husband and I had in comparisons to other young couples. I got jealous and wanted a nicer house and a new car and cute clothes and a less restrictive budget.

I had the same conviction and God has really blessed me and changed my perspective in all of this. I pray that He does the same for you. Not that I'm completely "cured", I still have to refocus sometimes. But, it is definitely freeing.

Lauren Kelly said...

Your heart just spills out ALL over this post!!! Just beautiful!

Laura said...

I really like this post. I know I struggle with this. I think it can especially hard reading blogs and seeing what all these people have compared to what you don't. I too want a house and a new wardrobe and I struggle to remember and be satisfied with all I have. I don't want to miss out on what God wants for my life because I was too busy whining about what I want. I know that what God has planned will be so much greater than anything I could plan but it's still a struggle. Thanks for writing this.

Stolen by Mullen said...

Amen sister! It is so hard now that everyone is 'growing up' to not always want the best and to keep up with everyone else. But, I just have to look at how much God has blessed me and hold to the truth that He has so much more in store for me too.

Oh - and I don't want scary movie trailers either. To this day the 6th Sense still freaks me out when I think about it! (dang, I just thought about it.)

Becca said...

oh girl what a beautiful post. You are so sweet and I love your heart - I will be praying that you continue to satisfy the longings of your heart with the Savior! :-)

d.a.r. said...

This gave me goosebumps, you are such an amazing and sweet woman!

Sweet Simplicity said...

I know I definitely struggle with the same things. You always have a great way of putting these feelings into words.

Lis said...

Thank you so much for this post. It was amazing, as are you!! I think we all struggle with this and need a reminder sometimes. xoxo

oursuperlife said...

I feel you.
My fears are usually about diseases and things going wrong with people I love. I freak OUT when I have to go to the doctor because something may go wrong...
Anyway I struggle with this.. so thank you for posting such an honest post.

M said...

Great post! I can 100% relate!

Emma-leigh said...

Very nicely said! Thanks for sharing!

Jenny Lynn said...

Megan, after reading your post about this, I read a devotion that was right in line with what you were talking about. I posted about it today and linked back to you :) If you have time - you should definitely read the devotion that I copied into my post.

http://grahamcrakas.blogspot.com/2010/01/perspective.html