8/28/09

My Ugly Side

It is so easy for me to come on here and tell a funny story, list off some randm facts, or even share a little bit about my life.

I tell you how I worry, and how I am incapable of cooking chicken without crying, but I never show you the ugly side. I am sure to cover that up.

I'm not talking about my ugly side that comes out at night when I wash off my makeup, because I have probably shown you that at one time, or another it is unavoidable.

And I'm not talking about my ugly prideful side. Because I have more than once pridefully admitted that I wish I never EVER would have cut off all my long hair. I think I show that side quite a bit. (and by the way, my hair can't grow FAST ENOUGH)

I'm talking about the ugly side that I try to keep hidden, but it pops out every so often and disrupts things. The ugly side that makes bad decisions and then repercussions have to follow.

I wish I could go into the future and take away all bad decisions that I will eventually make.

Because the repercussions are not fun.

Last night was one of those nights when the ugly side came out.

My sister irriated me, and because it was my sister and she is in the inner circle she gets to see the ugly side.

I was irritated, so I sent her a not so nice text message, I wouldn't do this with just anybody, only the lucky ones that are in the inner circle. Some may not think that seems so lucky.

The sad part is, it wasn't an impulsive decision, I thought about it. I thought about how what I was going to send her could potentially hurt her feelings and then I would be left with the hangover of my decision.

But I did it anyways, the ugly side took over and I pushed send on the message, and then found out that I had hurt her feelings to the point of tears.

Knife in the heart.

My ugly side can be pretty ugly and I hate it.

It is nice to keep this side of me hidden, but I don't want the ugly side to have that kind of power. I want to expose it and hopefully learn from it.

Although I do think that every-time something like this happen and then I go on and hurt somebody else's feelings.

And sometimes sorry isn't enough. Yes it is good to say it, but it doesn't take away the guilt and the shame knowing that you made a bad decision and let the ugly side come out.

Maybe one day I will learn, hopefully soon.

I hope you never have to see this ugly side. But if you do it means you made it to the inner circle so thats a plus right?!?!

AND this is off the topic but I need to share it:I did NOT brown the meat for the meatballs. Instead of calling Big Mama I totally emailed her and she told me to put it in the oven raw and the oven cooks it. We are practically BFF.

Hope you have a great weekend!!

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30 comments:

Rebecca Jo said...

We all have that "ugly" in us... but if it bothered you that quick - you dont have a whole SIDE that's ugly... maybe a "Ugly piece" or "Ugly Spot"...

Jenny Lynn said...

I totally know what you mean. All too often my ugly side comes out to my husband. Because he has signed on to being with me forever I fly off the handle and say hurtful things to him a lot more than anyone else. The worst part, like you said, is that I realize it and then do it again. I have really tried to work on it but I know it's going to take me quite awhile to get it right.

Also, I e-mailed Big Mama about something like four months ago and I totally felt like we were bff too! haha.

Lindsey said...

We all have that side, I know I do and I'm working on it too!

Lauren said...

OH I hate it when the Ugly Side shows its face! As previously said I guess the benefit is when we realize that the Ugly Side is showing and we're not naive to think that it will never show again!

The Rest is Still Unwritten said...

I think we all have an ugly side, though it's different for everyone. I hate when I hurt someone's feelings like that. My problem is when I think someone is out of line and mean to someone I love, my words could literally burn through their skin. It's an awful thing.

By the way...I'm with you on the hair...what was I thinking?!!

PinkSass said...

Sounds like you are already learning from it.

Sometimes we hurt the one closet to us, our inner circle, because we know no matter what they will forgive because they love us no matter what. And sometimes it's not even them we are truly mad at.

You are wonderful so don't you worry!

ps I thought the other day your hair looked like it's starting to get long. When I stopped getting a trim like I used to do every other month my hair grew like crazy!

THE Stephanie said...

Uh oh girl! Now you're in Big Mama's inner circle. Better watch out!! LOL

Just kidding.

Hey, the Word says to walk in the Light, which is what you just did. As long as you're not keeping it hidden in the dark, Satan can't continue the stronghold. Confess your sins one to another...

Praying for you. I have the same tendency. I think we all do - to hurt the ones we love.

High Heels and Huntin' Boots said...

We all have an "ugly side" that we typically only show to our "inner circle" or those closest to us. My husband and my mother get to see my ugly side more than anyone else. We're all imperfect and human. I cling to this verse, "So let us pursue what makes for peace and mutual uplifting." - Romans 14:19. Not that your sister is one of the "difficult" people in your life, but God's really been trying to teach me how to love the difficult people in mine and it's not easy to try and love like He does and too often my emotions get in the way.
Yeah, for e-mailing Big Mama! See bloggers can be bffs. Have a great weekend!

Southern Belle said...

Every body has an "ugly" side. It takes alot to realize it and make amends and to try to be a better person. Kudos to you=)

Kristen said...

aww it is okay. We all have that side in us, we just have to choose to not let it show which can be soooo hard sometimes especially to the ones we love the most!

Rachel H. said...

We all have an ugly side and as much as I hate to admit it, it mostly comes out with my sister or mom. I guess because I'm so comfortable with them, and we lived in the same house together for 18 years. I'm not sure what it is, but if I hurt someone's feelings, you can almost always bet that it's one of theirs.

Sarah said...

I think everyone has an ugly side... it's how we react to the ugly that defines who we are - not the ugly itself.

writing4612 said...

We all have an ugly side. The important thing is that you realized it and made a decision to do better. A lot of people don't realize it and keep doing the same thing over and over.

Tara Gibson said...

everyone has an ugly side and good for you to realize it and learn from it. Dont let it get you down you are an amazing person!

Jane said...

We all have that side, but admitting is the first step to improving right? Just found your blog, but from what I can tell, your pretty side seems to shine more often that not! Have a fabulous weekend!

Heather said...

Definitely relate to this, girlie!! God loves us, though, ugly side and all!! Have a great weekend!

Carri said...

Girl, we all have that ugly side...don't be too hard on yourself. But it is one of those huge injustices of life that our ugly sides end up hurting the ones we absolutely love the most...go figure. At least maybe since we all have that side to us, we are quicker to forgive it in others...good theory, anyway :)

In this wonderful life... said...

you crack me up! I'm sure I have an ugly side too...it usually comes out with I can't control my patience! I hope I never see your ugly side but the inner circle side would be fun! :)

Sweet Simplicity said...

My ugly side rears its head a little too often. My poor husband.
This is a great post!

Kassie said...

We all have that ugly side, and say things we aren't proud of. However, it's the people that don't realize they have one that are truly ugly, and you are NOT one of those.

I think about things I've said to my family, knowing it would end in tears, and yet I still did it--and I cringe. But knowing it's wrong is the first way around it!! You are the bravest person to be able to write it like this.

Melissa said...

Girl, everyone can be crazy at one time or another!

And, I love that you emailed Big Mama! You crack me up ;)

Demara said...

Oh that's awesome that you were able to get that help from Big Mama...I'm glad she didn't snap at you! lol And I too have an ugly side...I think everyone does.

Rachel said...

I had one of these moments the other day and I feel terrible about it.

Kristen said...

Girl, I have to work on that EVERY DAY!!

Ella said...

It is so brave of you to acknowledge this. Knowing it is there is the first step in taming it. I'm sure you know truly ugly people who can't ever see their ugliness.

Hollie said...

oh girl, been there done that. my two sisters and i have had to apologize to each other many a time, but we always get over it. love covers it.

it'll be fine. hang in there. you are soooo not alone with this.

Jenna said...

Your inner circle and my inner circle should get together and start a support group. :-)

tam7777 said...

I think all of us have an ugly side. I've come to realize the ones I hurt the most are the ones who I really need--Vice versa the ones that hurt me are probably the ones I need in my life the most.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

yea so my ugly side tend to rear it's ugly head sometimes too often... i blame it on lack of sleep usually!! we all have it. it sucks. at least you realize it and are working at it... i still think you're pretty awesome!

petrii said...

Megan,
We all have an ugly side. It is one of those things that must be tamed by the Holy Spirit. You hang in there sweet one and remember these moments, because they will help you next time the "ugliness" tries to rear it's ugly head.

Love and hugs,

Dawn